Invitation: An Essay on the Adventure of Healing

It seemed as if everything in my life was revolving around my back injury even though it was ‘not that bad’. I could still ski and run, paddle, and work, at least most of the time. For nearly everything I could find a work around or a way through, it took little of my attention to do so, and an underestimate amount of energy to put up with the nagging pain that at times shifted from chronic to acute and became far less tolerable. The access to health benefits through my work was a strong motivation to stay full time regardless of the fit and to fill a part time job with practitioner visits. 

My days off seemed full with morning movement and practices, time at the ski hill and with friends, and then cluttered with appointments dedicated to investigating different modalities and practitioner’s approaches to resolving this back pain situation. It seemed to be working, I was gaining insights into what was going on, what needed to be fixed and how to do so. A specific treatment loosened up muscles in my lower back one day and the next during one easy ski run, things shifted and I was once again in acute pain that had me benched, laying on the coach and trying to avoid triggering pain and even muscle spasms from wrong movement. 

It was frustrating to be in this position again but not as much as when it came about seemingly random. This was triggered by a specific treatment and it seemed this could be useful information in the search. The bigger gift was once again having the opportunity of time abundance provided to us when we are sick or injured. After a couple days, when the greatest pain had lessened, I felt the need to try to improve things and attempted some different movements and stretches. This aggravated it all and I treated myself to a morning sit in the hot tub to try and ease the tension. Alone, full of thoughts and emotions about the current situation, I looked around at the mountains, the bright sky that is rare in a high precip valley town and enjoyed the sun making everything sparkle. 

I was tired of being in pain but it felt like something bigger was happening for me.

This event happened during a three week stretch off from work and as the time came to a close and I started to plan out my last couple days before weeks away again, I felt some frustration come up, ‘what had I done with my time??’. I had enjoyed my time off but felt that I had accomplished little. Three weeks is a lot of time and I wanted to create something tangible to show from it. I had hoped to be writing, dating, coaching, hustling all the while working on my body, feeling a sense of ease and rejuvenation and catching up with friends while having time to launch a side hustle from the bead crafts I so enjoyed creating, especially on those dark winter evenings. What happened? 

Obviously the ambitious expectations clashed with reality and I reflected more deeply on what I had learned about priorities and values. I had, for a long time, mixed up values and goals, as I believe many others have too. Your priorities and values are acted out each day, to know them you don’t need to dive deep into questions around what you most want and are drawn to in life, no, you just look at what you always make sure happens in a day. Look at what you say ‘yes’ to, that is a priority and why you are saying “yes” is the value. Goals, on the other hand, are the things you want to do, wish you could do, or feel that you should do. They may or may not get done and hopefully they are in line with your values but also should stretch you - a goal not yet accomplished is the work of your future self, and that person is different than you are right now. 

When I looked at what was getting done, there was no hustle and there was very little entrepreneurial pursuits. What I thought I wanted to do, or should do, was not actually my priority. For many months I was building up intentionality around movement first thing in the morning, followed often by meditation and sometimes a body scan. This was finally happening. This led into physio exercises and guided journaling and reflection often followed by a need to get outside and do something (which was skiing at the hill most days) and then going into town for an appointment. 

I am surprised by what happened because my nearsited goal was to keep hustling, but when I look at the bigger picture and see that these weeks were the manifestation of intentions around body and self work that had not been happening, it is not surprising at all. Results are not random. Of course I came into a job with benefits that offered the resources to go deeper into the healing journey. Of course I dedicated time to morning movement, body scans, personal reflection, healing conversations, somatic therapy, and appointments with professionals in different modalities. Of course I found a living situation that allowed the space and autonomy to do exercises with ease first thing in the morning. And of course the mentality of ‘hustle’ that had gotten me to the point of injury was not the mentality that arose during healing. 

Without taking the time to reflect, to feel out the frustration that this time had not worked out as I had thought it would, and to truly feel out and explore the emotion of regret, these insights never would have landed in this way. This morning I went to the hot tub rather than skiing because my back was aggravated and I was realizing that if bodywork and healing is my priority, I would get more out of it by embracing it. 

So I sat in the hot tub in silence, looking at the beautiful mountains, and just letting my thoughts flow. I could feel the pull, like I was being invited into a real journey, an adventure. I had approached my healing before with an end in mind, I just wanted to be on the other side of this, pain free. Now, I could see that it wasn’t that simple. I am rehealing - healing from the way I first healed and that may mean going backward to go forward. To let the muscles loosen and the disc bulge to find its place. Free the muscles tension and retrain, strengthen them in a new posture. There is a lot to be gained, a freedom in movement and the joy that comes from this, the ability to act in a greater capacity and capability. Moreso, it is to be free from fear. To really unlock this movement and freedom, I have to release the fear that seized these muscles in the first place, there is a place deep within that is traumatized by the sudden onset of pain, the knowing that at any time calamity could call. I hold this knowing in my being, not simply in my back, and a journey to release fear can only be a true adventure, full of potential through risk, uncertainty, and challenge. Our physical bodies are the most surface layer of our being, the most superficial. In creating a space to listen, we can hear something deeper from within us inviting us to journey inward, on an adventure of depth and healing and restoration. There is no certainty of what this journey will entail and it becomes a true adventure in the greatest sense of the word.