Lessons about Judgement
Had a real game changer of an insight this summer as I dove deep into studying coaching, energy, and what blocks us from that flowy state of passion and alignment.
This might sound wild, but I realized that “good” is a judgment.
I always thought of judging as labeling things as “bad” or pointing out what was wrong or ‘less than’ with a person or situation, so I tried not to do that, or at least to recognize I was doing it and question why. Most of us probably have some type of familiarity with this type of judgement, the effects it can have both on us when we are in the act of judging and on others when they are judged.
I put this pressure on myself for a long time that I needed to be able to then see things as “good”. If judgement is “bad” then seeing things as “good” is the opposite, right? I would go through hard times and work relentlessly to see the silver lining, the opportunity for growth, and the chance at lessons learned. Not the worst thing, but for those of you familiar with the 7 levels of energy - it is a solid level 3 way to see the world. Not fully catabolic and destructive, still searching for the silver lining, but I could only feel so free from those experiences. In a way the silver lining mentality in this context covers up the harsh feelings underneath that I was not willing to accept. There was some opportunity but it was with a context or a justification. Until we can accept what is, rather than judge it, we cannot be fully free of that experience.
I had some hard days of freezing rain, total dysfunctional groups, and super stressful individual behaviors while working wilderness therapy programs in Alaska. Friends died earlier than seemed reasonable, close loved ones, wonderful professors died early. Break ups, injuries, and those days that just stack up to be really tough. I would work at it, process it, journal about it and pray about it all with my goal being to get to the point where I saw all of these experiences as good, positive, growing. The most meaningful experiences that I valued and would not trade. That is a judgement, it felt like it was the “right” thing to do, take what I was given and find something good about it.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this is such a temporary coping mechanism. It’s judging the sadness, anger, frustration, feeling low as “bad” and deciding to not embrace those feelings and instead for a feeling of “good”.
This summer, something clicked for me! What happens when I accept the sadness, frustration, and anger as a part of me and a part of the experience of grief and life? Freedom. Acceptance. Love. The greatest acceptance I have felt for myself for doing my best even when that is getting so mad that I break something or so frustrated and sad. Acceptance - it just is. Not good or bad or in between, but just there. Those tough events and days and experiences? They just are. Yes, I had a wide array of emotions in response and still do at times, and yes, I learned a lot and grew a lot and still do. And they just are. Same with the good days. Accept how good they are, how exciting and wonderful and growing it is to have really, really good days and experiences, accept them and let go. Freedom. Freedom to be in the moment and to love everything that comes our way because we do not have to be defined by our response to them!
What a freeing experience when I no longer had to try to see the death of a dear loved one as an amazing growth opportunity, covering up the feelings of grief and loss that I just needed to accept are a part of the human experience. I can now be more accepting that when I talk about these challenges I still cry sometimes, I haven’t “gotten over it”. Yes, there were many very growing experiences and opportunities in an immense way, from emotions felt and expressed to accepting the love and care of others to communicating my needs and being able to tell my story. So growing, both deep and wide in breadth of experiences, and to accept that growth is so much more inspiring and energizing that forcing it, accepting that it doesn’t always look shiny and pretty. To also accept that there are times we do things we wish we wouldn’t have, that we regret. We can still accept that lesson and let it go, knowing that we will do better next time we have the chance.
